Archive for May, 2010

Ethnic Urine Runs Wild on Driveway…..I have no title for this.

May 20, 2010
In the last several years I have aquired a taste for Estate Sales. Not to shop; but I become a “Matlock” if you will. Trying to find out what the people did for a living, or hobbies as I rummage through there remaining earthly possesion that their asshole children wanted money in exchange for memories.

In fact when I see an 80 year old man mowing his own lawn, I know I get to see the inside of his home in a few weeks!

Last year we had a garage sale, sort of a living estate sale. We were moving to another town, in to a new home, so it was time for new shit!

Ok. so now you know how we feel about garage sellers. I like em’! What a great smelting pot of society they are. Well now with baby dos, we accumulate more useless shit, and the lady and I decide it is best to part with the debris than to retain it. Besides a little money would be fun to have. So away we gooooooo

I like people. They are funny. They sometimes smell funny too. And I like that. I enjoy the old man who gets drug to my house while his wife looks through shit I did not even know we owned. He likes to stand and talk to me about the spanish influenza, The Spurs, and the ever changing mole on his neck. Anything to get his mind off of my wife selling his wife shit we no longer want, and he certainly does not want either.

The flow of people who disregard any sense of order irritate my wife. I really don’t give a shit. They permit their children to run rampant, as they sort through high end designer jeans. Shoplifting is not uncommon. I guess since security is high at Walmart, the next best place is my driveway during the spring. (SIDE NOTE: someone stole a catalytic coverter out of a car that I rarely drive. What the fuck meth heads? Come one dude, really?)

Well here came the mother of all garage sale catastrophies. A semi adorable 7 year old girl, was less than 7 feet from where I was sitting on my drive way, slightly bent her knees and began to pee. Oh fuck out yes! PEE! ON MY DRIVEWAY! DURING THE GARAGE SALE! Apparently she had no underbriefs. Her mother saw the tale end of her concrete watering, said nothing, grabbed her hand and moved a box down to look at clothes.

Never in my life.

I wasn’t angry. Just perplexed if one of my children (likely the boy; he already shows signs of pranking) deficated on the private party of someone…in a crowd’s view….there would have been some scolding, or at least embarassment on my part.

Maybe this child was raised by wolves?

Maybe she had an external bladder?

Maybe her parents don’t give a shit. YES! That is it. They don’t give a shit. I mean they did on the the first 2 kids, but hey if you are a 7×3 then when do you stop caring? (7×3 is my personal formula to rate a woman’s physical footprint on society and it’s population. In this scenario the “7” represents the offspring, and the “3” represents the individual mate count required to produce the litter of shits.)

Now I am not about to cruscify (Spell right? who gives a shit. Oh Jesus does, sorry dude.) public defication. I know I have done my fare share for spectacle purposes. Drunk guys peeing in USPS postal receptacles is funny. Right? Pooping on the windshield of a coach in high school because he called you a fat ass in practice, three days prior, is what legends are made of ;)(Sorry coach)

Just not on my drive way “tinkle” toes? huh? What do you say?