Archive for April, 2011

Heckler on Wheels

April 25, 2011

It’s rare that I get heckled and when I do, it’s not memorable. You occasionally get the 45 year old divorce (pronounced di-vor-say) that wants to remind herself she is still a desirable commodity on the whore market. Then it’s lot’s of “Whooooo” and “That’s right baby, right here”. It’s generally the result of three overpriced flashy drinks…..likely garnished with a submersible light. You know,… anything to aquire more attention.

One of my favorite clubs to work in is Hyena’s in Dallas,  Texas. They regularly sell the room out, and this particular night was no exception. In the second show there was one of these divorce hags who was smashed. I mean smashed. One eye was googly, and could not focus like the other. They sat her right up front; she couldn’t even sit up, she kept passing out. She started heckling the opener, and I thought they were going to throw her out before I took the stage. She was there with her 6 month pregnant friend… Ohhhh these broads are dripping with class.

So as I make my way to the stage, I am preparing myself to verbally destroy her if she opens her mouth. I get to the mic and let out a sigh, and remain quiet. I don’t say a word but look at her from the corner of my eye, and the crowd is with me and laughing. We just watch her try to keep from passing out. Nothing clever comes to mind, so I simply asked her “Have you shit yourself yet?” and we all laugh. As the crowd quiet’s down, and at that time another voice to the left says “No, but I did.”

Now Mr. Heckler thought he was gonna’ be funny, and these are the ones that you like to implode on right up front. You know set the tone….remind them who is the alpha…and our roles tonight. The only challenge is that Captian Heckler, was in a wheel chair, and he then became chatty. So 10 min later he pops up with something less memorable. I then looked up at the ceiling as if I was talking to god, and said ” why couldn’t you have paralyzed his mouth instead” . He and the crowd both loved it. “Am I being heckled by Stephen Hawking?”

Everyone loved it but, drunky lady. She my friends lost her shit. Apparently she deemed it necessary to take up the rights of the physical handicapped, regardless of their mental state….and hers.

Club security came to remove her, after giving her two warnings, the last outburst was enough. On the way out she was yelling and kicking, and her last comment was “Fuck you…fuck all of you for laughing.” Her friend? The pregnant one…she chose to stay. It was awesome.

I get done and the next act goes up and “wheels” is drunk and heckling the headliner. In the back I hear security discussing how to throw him out. “Do we lift him? What if he doesn’t go willingly? How do we wheel him out without causing a disruption?” 

 Their problem.