Top 10 Things I Learned at America’s #1 Waterpark

Today my family went to the # 1 water park in the US according to Travel Channel, Schlitterbahn  in New Braunfels, Tx.

Now most who know me, know I have very little patience with large groups of people with little or no continuity.  While enjoying this “soup” of people, I learned a number of things….so here are 10. Can you relate?

1. The overwhelming examples of bad choices of tattoos by people….most received them during their hazy and misguided youth. Top two favorites: one of a poorly done bugs bunny holding the severed head of tweety bird…which looked more like C3PO. The other: head shots of Jesus and pachino in scarface on same arm…made sense to me. He had a tattoo of a tear drop under his eye, so we never got to talk about his choices. 

2.  When permitted to bring in their own food and ice chests, mexicans bring the whole cocina. I am certain I smelled what only could be described as the early stages Barbacoa. Ground pit, cow skull and all. 

3. By notifying everyone that the rides are supplied with unfiltered river water, gives everyone a “green light” to piss and even possibly shit in the water on the ride. 

4. Three of the rides had not changed at all since I was last there in 1990….neither has the safety record.

5. Not everyone should be in bikinis. I don’t care how big and round your tits are …..sir.

6. During the design process, apparently, someone had a hard on for stairs…. you asshole.  

7. Despite the high number of stairs and walking involved, there sure are a lot of fat people that go. Good for them. Bad for diabetes.

8. Since all the floors are slippery….you know what? No old people. Which is nice. 

9. A seven hour visit =three rides. 

10. Having the giftshop as the entrance and the exit is evil, and unfair to parents. Same guy that did that probably had something to do with stairs too…..asshole. 

One to grow on….. When you see that one fully clothed person enjoying a tubing ride, talking to the tube, handle them with kid gloves. This guy is one episode away from snapping into a full blown news story. Decapitation is a practice he has studied. Trust me, he know his socks are soaked…..stay alive. 

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