Archive for July, 2012

The Craigslist Chronicles

July 25, 2012

Ok, I travel a lot; and I have become rather frugal in comparison to my younger days. I still however, have this yearning for shit I want, but absolutely refuse to pay top dollar for it. Can’t stand it. So I have found that Craigslist has become the place for people looking to buy items cheaply from people who suffer from an acute buyer’s remorse.

So as my road takes me to what ever metropolis that is in need of either my comedy ramblings, or my consulting skills, I refer to my Craigslist in their town for things I am in need of or really, really, really want badly. So here are a few CL encounters that are worth sharing.

CLE#1

Someone broke into my truck and stole a ton of stuff from me, including an 80 gig IPOD classic that I used as a music hardrive. So I scoured the CL in Fort Worth area since I was working at Hyenas. I spent the day contacting a few remorseful buyers who needed to buy some meth, or pay rent, or…..

Via email responses I would negotiate….HARD. I am a closing machine, right? So one, kid, whom I reject his recent price realizes that through email signature I am a comic and goes to my website. He then finds out I am playing Hyena’s. After the show I selling T shirts and CD’s when this dude comes up, shakes my hand and says “Great show. Really liked it. You still wanna buy my Ipod?” From his pocket he pulls out a 80 gig Classic Ipod.

Holy Shit.

Creepy…..but a bargain is a bargain, so I offered him a Daryl Felsberg CD “Bad Fattitude” (which you all should have) and $30 cash. Deal.

CLE #2

I burned my laptop up with a lamp….don’t ask and don’t try to figure it out. Needless to say I needed something new. So I started hunting for a new Macbook. I had a 10 day road swing that took me through three states, so you bet the Craigslist search engines were burning it up. After multiple negotiations with multiple idiots, I found one lady who gave it to me. The story….divorce, dick husband, need money for kids, just want to sell it. The MB was new, like less than 6 months old, with receipt. Got a steal on it, and she was really sweet. I really liked the lady, so I agreed, and we would meet at a restaurant parking lot. Like a south texas drug deal.

She too received a CD….promote, bitches. I got the macbook and headed down the road. When I got to the hotel , I couldn’t wait to get the Mac up and out. When I did, it was not scrubbed. Email, web history, everything….bookmarks for websites, you name it. She was into some dark mistress sex slave type of shit. That’s probably why I thought she was so sweet. Then when I went to delete the email accounts, I learned very quickly that her husband was a dick. A big ol Dick. Yep, a dick. Dickish he was. Dick. Didn’t need to see that. Worse part was I had to call her to get her password to clear everything.

CL#3

I go through backpacks like a 5th grader, so we buy decent, long lasting Oakley Backpacks. My last one finally busted at the seams. So I wanted to get an Oakley Kitchen Sink. New in the stores they are about $250 or so. I get on the Craigslist and find one for $100. “Used once, took to Canada, don’t need it anymore.” Is what the ad read….sounds like a successful organ smuggling mission. I find out the guy wants me to meet him at his house. He wasn’t there, but his wife was and she could help me.

I cautiously sniff out the neighborhood, and all the houses are rather nice….except this one. But it seemed ok, so I procede. The garage door was half open, and there was shit everywhere, in boxes. There were two boys (16-19 maybe) in bathing suits on two lawn chairs with a bottle of jack Daniels and two cups. “What’s up man?” one says, I tell him I am here for the backpack, he says “come on”. I follow him in the home and there is his mom (Mexican) and he was Canadian, yes he fell from her baby factory. Confusing I know.  

As I look around there is a great deal of merchandise laying around. Lots of TV’s still in boxes. They told me they sold their house in Canada and invested in all these electronics and were selling them online to make a living. I call bullshit…but not to their face. Dad wasn’t home but would be shortly. So I left.

Ten minutes later I get a call from the dad saying he was home and had the back pack.  I return to their home and a black guy gets the door. When I tell him what I was after, he said “Sure come on in”. No one had shirts on. I am not certain, but I may have interrupted the beginning of some sort of a gayfest. FINALLY, the dad shows up….no shirt, and hands me the pack. As I look over it, I glance at his half naked torso, and on his stomach was the green infected puss plug about ¾ inches around and about an inch hanging off of his stomach.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Does it smell? Does it hurt? Will it be there forever? Do you know it’s there? Soooo many questions.

He was telling me all about the pack, and showing it to me, and I can’t keep from looking at his green belly penis. Mesmerizing. I told him I’ld give him $80 and that was it. Deal. I then got some hand sanitizer, the last thing I need is a green belly penis.

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