Ding for Dong.

Once in a while you get one of these neat little gigs that’s not all stand up, you know? I had one of these events come across my desk to MC a Gala; the money was right and it wasn’t too far from home and sounded like fun. One of those events to raise money for a civic cause; food, band, auctions, and the comic reminding you all this is happening, with a few bits in between to fill the time. I used to do a bunch of them, but now only grab one here and one there, and I’m glad I did this one. 

The booker put me up in a really nice Bed and Breakfast not far from the venue, so after the gig I made my way back and was excited about hitting the hay. Great little place. One of those BNB’s that have turn of the century furniture, but all the modern amenities. Super cool. Super cool people.

At about 1 am, I am in a deep sleep like normal, and of course I sleep on my stomach. Out of nowhere, I’m awaken by the door to my room opening and then closing with  some vigor. In a half conscious daze I flip over, to see a man I don’t know standing on the other side of my bed, staring at me! 

Oh the fuck you read that right. Some random MF is in my room! I let out a half conscious primal yell, then shouted “GET THE FUCK OUT!”…… repeatedly. He says “I live here, and need to use the restroom.”  Then he asks me “Why are you here?” I yell again “Get the fuck out!” I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure I said, “I’ll kill you!”

Now in this 11 seconds or so of this exchange, I realize I’m naked. Yeah, I know folks…..you’re welcome. I sleep naked or in underwear. Less constricting. So I can’t just pop up and knock his ass out. During the same time I realize that my Glock 26 I typically travel with is in the car. Shit. 

So Captain Dipshit is either drunk or sleepwalking…one of the two or both. So he turns to go into my restroom, but the doors are sliding barn doors, and he’s trying to open them by pulling them to him like a traditional door, banging the shit out of them. I realize this is my window to get pants on.

I leap up, wiener swinging….swaying….whatever. Grab my shorts, and now my thought is “I’m going to lock him in the restroom till I figure out what to do.” About that time, I hear more voices, so I open my door to find the innkeeper and two other come rushing to my room, as they were awaken by the commotion…probably me yelling “I’ll kill you!”

I’m explaining to them what has happened, and about that time his wife comes drifting down the stairs saying he must be sleepwalking. I’m jacked! Just full of adrenaline ready to whip his ass. He comes out of my room, and that’s when I realize…..he only had a shirt on. We were matching. Ding for dong. 


Come to find out this asshole, also tried to force his way into another guest’s room. She was awake and opened the door and he was trying to push his way in. She told him to take a hike….and he did. Downstairs.

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