Open Mouth Insert Ass….or however that goes.

August 11, 2012

For the first time in along time we took a family vacation, against my will. Because it wasn’t just my wife and kids, it was mom in law, father in law, step father in law (oh yeah, don’t make me explain), sister in law, brother in law and nephew. Whew!

We all went to Cheyenne Wyoming for the Frontier Days Rodeo. Now I know what you are saying “Daryl, you’re into Rodeo?” Nope. But it’s like the AFC Playoffs; you go if invited, even at your expense. Well, one of the events we attended was a Country Music Concert with A Band Perry, and Brad Paisley.

The opener, that Perry Band thingy, they took a intermission…in a rodeo arena to get the stage set for the headliner Mr. Paisley. They had a couple large jumbo screens for everyone to enjoy the shows. During the break they show commercials on these screens and at first it went to EXTREMELY BRIGHT WHITE for 20 seconds.

It was so painful and awful. For comedy sakes I yell, “You’re giving us cancer!” Right at that very moment the woman in front of me had already stood and lighted her cigarette! Yep, right as I yelled it.

She turned and said “Yep you bet your ass I am” in a disgusted voice. I stood quickly and said I was referring to the screen, and she waved me off. Then she said “I already gave both my tits to cancer”. I felt like shit. I explained that I was a comic, and not an asshole, and was just trying to make those around me laugh. She kept waving me off. So I gave her a card and said “email that address on their and they will send you a free CD. I feel bad, the timing was horrible.”

Then she had to explain the WHOLE thing to her husband. Who was a native American, or an angry Mexican, I get them mixed up often. I was uncomfortable. Once it was water under the bridge, we sat back down and I told my nephew what happened, and then I said this. “She said she lost her tits to cancer….and she still smokes.” Right then there was a pause in the crowd. She heard that too. Fuck.

I’m an asshole.

PS: If you read this Frontier Days smoking lady, I am sorry. It really was like a bad Seinfeld episode.

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The Craigslist Chronicles

July 25, 2012

Ok, I travel a lot; and I have become rather frugal in comparison to my younger days. I still however, have this yearning for shit I want, but absolutely refuse to pay top dollar for it. Can’t stand it. So I have found that Craigslist has become the place for people looking to buy items cheaply from people who suffer from an acute buyer’s remorse.

So as my road takes me to what ever metropolis that is in need of either my comedy ramblings, or my consulting skills, I refer to my Craigslist in their town for things I am in need of or really, really, really want badly. So here are a few CL encounters that are worth sharing.

CLE#1

Someone broke into my truck and stole a ton of stuff from me, including an 80 gig IPOD classic that I used as a music hardrive. So I scoured the CL in Fort Worth area since I was working at Hyenas. I spent the day contacting a few remorseful buyers who needed to buy some meth, or pay rent, or…..

Via email responses I would negotiate….HARD. I am a closing machine, right? So one, kid, whom I reject his recent price realizes that through email signature I am a comic and goes to my website. He then finds out I am playing Hyena’s. After the show I selling T shirts and CD’s when this dude comes up, shakes my hand and says “Great show. Really liked it. You still wanna buy my Ipod?” From his pocket he pulls out a 80 gig Classic Ipod.

Holy Shit.

Creepy…..but a bargain is a bargain, so I offered him a Daryl Felsberg CD “Bad Fattitude” (which you all should have) and $30 cash. Deal.

CLE #2

I burned my laptop up with a lamp….don’t ask and don’t try to figure it out. Needless to say I needed something new. So I started hunting for a new Macbook. I had a 10 day road swing that took me through three states, so you bet the Craigslist search engines were burning it up. After multiple negotiations with multiple idiots, I found one lady who gave it to me. The story….divorce, dick husband, need money for kids, just want to sell it. The MB was new, like less than 6 months old, with receipt. Got a steal on it, and she was really sweet. I really liked the lady, so I agreed, and we would meet at a restaurant parking lot. Like a south texas drug deal.

She too received a CD….promote, bitches. I got the macbook and headed down the road. When I got to the hotel , I couldn’t wait to get the Mac up and out. When I did, it was not scrubbed. Email, web history, everything….bookmarks for websites, you name it. She was into some dark mistress sex slave type of shit. That’s probably why I thought she was so sweet. Then when I went to delete the email accounts, I learned very quickly that her husband was a dick. A big ol Dick. Yep, a dick. Dickish he was. Dick. Didn’t need to see that. Worse part was I had to call her to get her password to clear everything.

CL#3

I go through backpacks like a 5th grader, so we buy decent, long lasting Oakley Backpacks. My last one finally busted at the seams. So I wanted to get an Oakley Kitchen Sink. New in the stores they are about $250 or so. I get on the Craigslist and find one for $100. “Used once, took to Canada, don’t need it anymore.” Is what the ad read….sounds like a successful organ smuggling mission. I find out the guy wants me to meet him at his house. He wasn’t there, but his wife was and she could help me.

I cautiously sniff out the neighborhood, and all the houses are rather nice….except this one. But it seemed ok, so I procede. The garage door was half open, and there was shit everywhere, in boxes. There were two boys (16-19 maybe) in bathing suits on two lawn chairs with a bottle of jack Daniels and two cups. “What’s up man?” one says, I tell him I am here for the backpack, he says “come on”. I follow him in the home and there is his mom (Mexican) and he was Canadian, yes he fell from her baby factory. Confusing I know.  

As I look around there is a great deal of merchandise laying around. Lots of TV’s still in boxes. They told me they sold their house in Canada and invested in all these electronics and were selling them online to make a living. I call bullshit…but not to their face. Dad wasn’t home but would be shortly. So I left.

Ten minutes later I get a call from the dad saying he was home and had the back pack.  I return to their home and a black guy gets the door. When I tell him what I was after, he said “Sure come on in”. No one had shirts on. I am not certain, but I may have interrupted the beginning of some sort of a gayfest. FINALLY, the dad shows up….no shirt, and hands me the pack. As I look over it, I glance at his half naked torso, and on his stomach was the green infected puss plug about ¾ inches around and about an inch hanging off of his stomach.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Does it smell? Does it hurt? Will it be there forever? Do you know it’s there? Soooo many questions.

He was telling me all about the pack, and showing it to me, and I can’t keep from looking at his green belly penis. Mesmerizing. I told him I’ld give him $80 and that was it. Deal. I then got some hand sanitizer, the last thing I need is a green belly penis.

The Evolution of My Shampoo

October 7, 2011

When my wife and I started living together….before she was my wife, I noticed she had a rather classy taste in shampoo. I always bought what I thought was a pretty bottle. Now, my wife will pick up shampoo for me and for her, and I think nothing of it. Often when I climb into the shower I knock things around since the shower is the size of a small Kia sedan. (That’s right it’s a callback to a previous blog entry) I get attacked by bottles, frequently.

When recovering the bottles off of the floor, I noticed that her shampoo had a price tag on it. Over the years I would keep looking at these prices…..$9, or $12, sometimes even $19. High dollar stuff for a beautiful lady. So then I would look at mine, $4 or $5. No big deal to me….as long as my hair is clean and my shit don’t fall out, well, I reckon I’m fine.

It then digressed from $4 shampoo to $4 shampoo with built in conditioner. You know….to save time. I’m ok with that. Truth is I likely would not use the conditioner if it was seperate in it’s own bottle so this is ok. But one day my shampoo was delivered to me and it raised a level of awareness in me, I have never seen.

One day I hopped in the shower, and low and behold there it was……the laziness of all cleanliness….the three in one. Shampoo. Conditioner. Body wash. All in one application…..in one bottle. So like a automatic car wash, all I have to do is squirt this this stuff into my hair, body, etc. all for $4 a bottle. I am rather certain however the PH Balance of my head is not the same as my crotch….it is certianly more acidic.

Now if they can make an auto dryer, that would be great too….in the same bottle.

Top 10 Things I Learned at America’s #1 Waterpark

August 14, 2011

Today my family went to the # 1 water park in the US according to Travel Channel, Schlitterbahn  in New Braunfels, Tx.

Now most who know me, know I have very little patience with large groups of people with little or no continuity.  While enjoying this “soup” of people, I learned a number of things….so here are 10. Can you relate?

1. The overwhelming examples of bad choices of tattoos by people….most received them during their hazy and misguided youth. Top two favorites: one of a poorly done bugs bunny holding the severed head of tweety bird…which looked more like C3PO. The other: head shots of Jesus and pachino in scarface on same arm…made sense to me. He had a tattoo of a tear drop under his eye, so we never got to talk about his choices. 

2.  When permitted to bring in their own food and ice chests, mexicans bring the whole cocina. I am certain I smelled what only could be described as the early stages Barbacoa. Ground pit, cow skull and all. 

3. By notifying everyone that the rides are supplied with unfiltered river water, gives everyone a “green light” to piss and even possibly shit in the water on the ride. 

4. Three of the rides had not changed at all since I was last there in 1990….neither has the safety record.

5. Not everyone should be in bikinis. I don’t care how big and round your tits are …..sir.

6. During the design process, apparently, someone had a hard on for stairs…. you asshole.  

7. Despite the high number of stairs and walking involved, there sure are a lot of fat people that go. Good for them. Bad for diabetes.

8. Since all the floors are slippery….you know what? No old people. Which is nice. 

9. A seven hour visit =three rides. 

10. Having the giftshop as the entrance and the exit is evil, and unfair to parents. Same guy that did that probably had something to do with stairs too…..asshole. 

One to grow on….. When you see that one fully clothed person enjoying a tubing ride, talking to the tube, handle them with kid gloves. This guy is one episode away from snapping into a full blown news story. Decapitation is a practice he has studied. Trust me, he know his socks are soaked…..stay alive. 

Mujibar, Priceline, and Tom Hanks

May 19, 2011

Ok, so most of the readers enjoy the occasional debacles I find myself in while on the road. I do too. Unfortunately not the other parties
involved; therefore, I like to really tell the story.  You know….in hopes that they might see it.  But I am certain Mujibar doesn’t read English.

A few months ago I was to go on the road and had to book a room in the Dallas Fort Worth metroplex for a couple of nights. So I crawled
online and went to priceline.com and started the search for a financially compatible room. Now I utilized the “Name Your Own Price” feature. This is where you pick an area, a price, and then the rating of the room.  I like to stay by the DFW airport, so I am centrally located to both metro areas. So you pick the areas you want and they shade it, you click enter and there is not turning back, they pick it for you.  They find a hotel in the area at the price, and style you requested immediately. It’s a bit blind, but you often get a good deal…..often.

The computer stuck me at the Hyatt Regency……in DFW Airport. Now I like the Hyatt…stayed there before a number of times but it was in the
damn airport. Which means for two days every time came in or out I had to go through the damn security gate at the airport entrance. Terribly annoying and inconvenient.

So I called Priceline, and Mujibar was selected to assist me and I explained that I was stuck inside the airport, and that was not helpful
and I needed to change the hotel. He was obviously reading from a script; then he looked at the map and said “sir, the airport is in the shaded area.”

I said, “ALLLLL Airports are shaded on every god damn map.” His response was carefully scripted, and obviously canned. He clearly wasn’t
listening.  I continued pleading my case, and every response was canned, identical, soulless, and in broken English, so I hung up.

Now Mujibar from Priceline decides to send me an email…..and
it is form letter. Oh yeah, I saved it and responded:

Dear DARYL FELSBERG,  

We are always looking for ways to improve our products and
services and we appreciate feedback from our customers. Thank you for taking
the time to share your issues/concerns with us. At Priceline, customer
satisfaction is our number one priority and we will continue to do our best to
make your Priceline experience a pleasant one.

Please accept this bonus money ($10)for your next Priceline
HOTEL request as a token of appreciation for your time and consideration. The
details of the bonus and the bonus money are as follows:

 

Ten bucks. I don’t want your Priceline Bucks…..I want a
different hotel. One not in an airport.

So here is my response:

Dear, Priceline Robot, and Mujibar,

FUCK YOU! And your shitty script wielding, no listening,
stick us in a hotel INSIDE a god damn airport. What am I Tom Hanks in the
Terminal? Shall I dine at the Cinnabon? Bathe in terminal C. Blow me, you
whore. I hate you william Shatner…stick it square in your ass. Can you
negotiate that?

    

 Daryl Felsberg   

Who’s not a robot, or Indian.

 

Now, you assume the dialogue is done right? No! Here is
their scripted robot response:

Dear Daryl,

Thank you for taking the time to send us an e-mail. We
understand that you are dissatisfied with our policies in regard to your
upcoming hotel reservation at the Hyatt Regency Dfw, as you believe that you
have not received the hotel in the area you selected at the time of submitting
the request.

We apologize if you are dissatisfied with our policies.

Dickheads.

Heckler on Wheels

April 25, 2011

It’s rare that I get heckled and when I do, it’s not memorable. You occasionally get the 45 year old divorce (pronounced di-vor-say) that wants to remind herself she is still a desirable commodity on the whore market. Then it’s lot’s of “Whooooo” and “That’s right baby, right here”. It’s generally the result of three overpriced flashy drinks…..likely garnished with a submersible light. You know,… anything to aquire more attention.

One of my favorite clubs to work in is Hyena’s in Dallas,  Texas. They regularly sell the room out, and this particular night was no exception. In the second show there was one of these divorce hags who was smashed. I mean smashed. One eye was googly, and could not focus like the other. They sat her right up front; she couldn’t even sit up, she kept passing out. She started heckling the opener, and I thought they were going to throw her out before I took the stage. She was there with her 6 month pregnant friend… Ohhhh these broads are dripping with class.

So as I make my way to the stage, I am preparing myself to verbally destroy her if she opens her mouth. I get to the mic and let out a sigh, and remain quiet. I don’t say a word but look at her from the corner of my eye, and the crowd is with me and laughing. We just watch her try to keep from passing out. Nothing clever comes to mind, so I simply asked her “Have you shit yourself yet?” and we all laugh. As the crowd quiet’s down, and at that time another voice to the left says “No, but I did.”

Now Mr. Heckler thought he was gonna’ be funny, and these are the ones that you like to implode on right up front. You know set the tone….remind them who is the alpha…and our roles tonight. The only challenge is that Captian Heckler, was in a wheel chair, and he then became chatty. So 10 min later he pops up with something less memorable. I then looked up at the ceiling as if I was talking to god, and said ” why couldn’t you have paralyzed his mouth instead” . He and the crowd both loved it. “Am I being heckled by Stephen Hawking?”

Everyone loved it but, drunky lady. She my friends lost her shit. Apparently she deemed it necessary to take up the rights of the physical handicapped, regardless of their mental state….and hers.

Club security came to remove her, after giving her two warnings, the last outburst was enough. On the way out she was yelling and kicking, and her last comment was “Fuck you…fuck all of you for laughing.” Her friend? The pregnant one…she chose to stay. It was awesome.

I get done and the next act goes up and “wheels” is drunk and heckling the headliner. In the back I hear security discussing how to throw him out. “Do we lift him? What if he doesn’t go willingly? How do we wheel him out without causing a disruption?” 

 Their problem.

SMC Episode 5 Kristin Key

January 21, 2011

smc20kirchenbauer

SMC19 We’re Back

SMC 18 James

SMC17 Sharon

SMC 16 Felsberg

SMC 15 Oneal

SMC 14 Jason Russell

Episode 13 Rob Little

SMC 12 BT

SMC11 Mullet

SMC10

SMC Episode 8 John Wessling

SMC Episode 8 Danielle ATSSMC Episode 7 Luke FrancisSMC Episode5 Kristin Key

SMC Episode 6 Update

SMC Episode 4 Matt Golightly

December 26, 2010

SMC Final Golightly

Sunday Morning Comics Episode 3 – Jason James

November 11, 2010

SMC Episode3 Jason James

Punishment by Car

November 8, 2010

I started a nice little show swing through west Texas. The head of the mini-tour was to dawn in Midland, then to the hub city of Lubbock and conclude in one of my favorite towns, Amarillo.

I picked up a rental car and opted for the compact, which is one step up from the basement of rental car choices, the economy. When the agent took me to my car he took me to this

A Kia Rio. The car was about 2-3″ bigger than I was. This is not a car I get into, but that I put on; perhaps that I wear.  I reluctantly accept it when he says there is nothing else for me. I load my luggage and move on.

As I begin to drive, I start to familiarize myself with my new not- so- kick ass  ride that I will shamefully drive for the next 4 days.

The first thing I notice, is that the windows are manual. Who in the hell (not in a third world country) orders a car with manual windows. Even my 1976 Corvette Stingray has electric windows. I then realize that the locks were manual as well.

I started adjust the mirror and found this Penis shaped, looking thingy. If you wanted to adjust the passenger side mirror, well, you needed just that, a passenger.Now I am on the road for an hour and then notice it has no damn cruise control.  Never knew how tired a leg can get holding your foot at one position for longer than an hour.Ok, so let’s review. This vehicle has no electric windows, nor electric door locks. You have to reach across the vehicle to adjust the mirror, and of course they are manual. It was deemed unnecessary to have cruise control.

Needless to say…..I hate this car. It knows it too.  After discovering all it’s inadequacies, I noticed one odd little feature on it. It has a god damn USB port:

You can’t roll down your own windows, Kia, but you can download shit off of my computer. My rental car was like an autistic teenager.

(Now before my email box blows up with hate mail, regarding autistic teenagers, remember it’s a joke.)